Joel is married, I get that but its just so confusing when hes telling me he misses me and brings up old memories. Im not saying I want to go back to him, its just why would he be saying all of this when hes married. Hes telling me how much he messed up and he realized it along time ago but never said anything. And im wishing he did, maybe if he did, it couldve been different, idk. He is married though, thats a done deal. I just wish he would go away and stop filling my head with old memories that i’ve worked years on trying to forget. i’ll always love joel but theres no going back, It is just sooo hard to look at the love of your life, listening to them tell you that they still love you and they wish things werent like this, is very very hard. Espeically when they completely broke you. Looking back, Joel caused me so much pain that I have some sort of anger towards him. Him telling me all of this is messing up my head a little.
I hung out with Corey last night, After I told myself I would stop talking to him after catching him in a lie. But the next day after I bitched him out, he called me drunk. And he is the only person I like drunk, I actually prefer him drunk. And he just made me give in and I wasnt mad anymore. We hung out and it felt so good. Just being there with him. Laying my head on his chest, feeling his warmth felt so relaxing and soothing. His smile, his everything, Made me remember why hes just been there for years now. No matter what, hes there. I gave him head ://// Which at the time I obviously didnt regret it at all, We cuddled after, and he kissed me goodbye. Then I got a text from him saying ” Im not looking for anything right now, I dont want to lie to you” And I really wasnt expecting to get into a realtionship or something with corey. But it just kinda made me realize corey likes hooks up. I cant help but think so the things he said to me, about me being different. That yeah, he likes hooking up with me but he doesnt cuddle with anyone else because he hates it, but he cuddles with me. The way he looks at me, the way his friends even say he looks at me. He told me he loved me one night, caught himself by accident and was embarassed. He said it like one other time after that, but I always think about it, When I asked him about it again he just laughed and didnt want to talk about it. He does all these things that always make me wonder if maybe I could change him from being a hookup guy or not, because he really is a nice guy he just got fucked over one to many times by girls.
Brandon situation once again is so frustrating, his girilfriend is a royal fucking shady bitch, and he knows I dont like her, which I dont mind. I love brandon as a friend but I always think about what if, what if we were to date, how great it would be. Like… idk its just soo complicated in my head. Hes a huge part of my life, when I dont talk to him, I miss him so much. And I just… Hes great. Him being in my life is the one thing I never want to change, but lately hes been acting weird and Idk whats going on ,he says hes busy but idk it just feels weird. This may sound weird but like… I wonder if he ever thinks of me like that, or ever wonders what could be with us. Because I always think about it. Its like thats stupid taylor swift song you belong with me hahahaha.
fuck this, not a good night.
